It is the festive season guys. This is a season where many people associate with taking a break from work, hustle, meet family and friends, refresh, reboot from the daily juggles of adulting, teenagerhood and it seems to me it is a western concept, but December is a time for unwrapping gifts, displaying trees that cost a civil servants salary and using lights that finish ZESA immediately. Actually that is what the festive season is for at first I said it is a time to meet family actually I lied it is a time to show that you are a big spender, and you can spend your hard earned working money despite who you are meeting even with family you still have a point to prove Christmas it’s a day your spirit mbinganess comes out (spirit of acting like a Boss].
However, the problem is we live in a third world our economy is in shambles, and we are dealing with a pandemic so your mbinganess is on battery low and here are 10 commandments of how to celebrate your December broke.
1 Thou Shall download and Screenshot memes
Somebody once said mental health is real but therapy and counseling it is so expensive for us who are poor which is true to a certain degree however at least for us the povo we have memes to work as our therapy it might not be effective as actual therapy but memes are therapeutic. If you are a toxic person who has been cutting friends all year memes will let you know your condition and how to reflect to it. If you are broke memes have a way of letting you know that you are still worth it. If you have heartbreak memes have a way of comforting, you about the petty things you did with your ex.
Some of us were already broke in November guys we can’t deal with this disease called December what we have are just bundles. I think Universities on psychology and sociology programs should have its own module dedicated to memes.
As Jordan Belford in wolf of Wall Street said played by Leonardo Dicaprio once said ‘’You are so broke, and you have a phone that switches of at 80% fine pick up the phone and download a meme. You tired of scrolling to your IG and seeing your crush being smashed by someone over and above your league fine pick up the phone and screenshot a meme.
You are dealing with a pandemic called Umjolo fine pick up the phone and download a meme. I want you to deal with your life by laughing and thinking deep on memes.
Side note therapy and counselling is not always expensive by the way they are free counselling clinics like Solutions counselling Harare and my social media also has memes guys will give you handles below
2 Thou shall not listen to Amapiano
By now am convinced whoever invented Amapiano invented Shisha because eish that music has got that something whenever it is played in a club that will make you want to buy a shisha pipe you want to buy Ciroc and Hennesy even though you in the castle lager league
That music has got something that will make you want to hold something expensive this time try to ignore bars playing Amapiano.
The best you can do is take it old school let us go back to Sungura guys. Sungura does not require you to hold anything, or you need is your dancing shoes. Let us go back to dancehall riddims the type of music that will actually make you second guess your foolishness of things you can’t afford, imagine listening to Winky D’s 25 while you about to buy an expensive drink. Let us go back to gospel Mathias Mhere and Blessing Shumba the type of music that makes you grateful even if your life is miserable “ndikaiona favour, ndiakiona favour ichiuya naBaba’’ excuse me what favour? Your heartbreak? Your realization that you are making another new year’s resolution when you did not even succeed at last year’s resolutions.
3 Thou Shall Cut out all your negative and toxic friends I beg
We usually refer to toxic friends and negative people as those friends who don’t support you, who are disloyal those who shame and lie to you but for this December you might reconsider who is toxic. The toxic friend is going to be the one doing well in life whose pockets are stunningly healthy, those friends at the diaspora, the friends who go out every night, travel to Dubai, the friends who are always unwrapping gifts, the ones who will make you question what you are doing with your life. Try by all means to delete their contracts and follow them.
Those friends do not motivate you; they motivate you to just be more envious and jealous if you want motivation pick up the phone and screenshot a meme. Haven’t you said congratulations enough? You will always hear some corny quote saying “I am learning to clap for other people’s success till my turn comes’’ please go watch the news people are dying every day at alarming rates, your turn might never come these are the realities we should face be content with your life when your turn comes you are lucky your turn has come.
These friends of yours just want to show you that they are over and are above the political struggle and we doing good they are a lot of stories uncovered and unknown most of it is fake. I know it sounds like am hating, why? Because yes, I have been the friend who congratulates too much and says you inspire me, spray me am your sanitizer when you are the friend that always congratulate you end up being the friend who is negative too much positivity is toxic I swear
5 . Thou Shall be aware Winter is coming [January ]
January is like a hangover to your wallet after spending your hard-earned bonus and after passing money for your yearly rounds. January comes with school fees, back to work and back to ordinary meals. So, whenever you are about to buy yourself a chocolate and braai pack remember to try to be aware of the cabbages coming January.
Whenever you about to make party plans try best to remember about school fees payment plans. January is no joke it is the destroyer of new year’s resolutions.
6.Thou Shall know December Clothes expired
People keep saying December clothes this ,December clothes that, here is the thing the whole idea of having December clothes kind of expired ever since mubhero [Flea market] went mainstream and were never pressured to buy Edgars clothes available for December only now the same clothes you find in Bhero are the same clothes you find all year at the same price buying clothes for December is unnecessary pressure what happened to window shopping guys this new thing of looking at something and instantly buying is toxic you should stop it.
I was raised in an era that did intense window shopping you would go in town just to window shop. I was a window shopaholic. There is this thing called window shoplifting, window shop lifting is when you look at boutique clothes check them out try them out tell the owners you are coming next time and go find the same outfit mubhero.
7. Thou shall know who is also broke
You want to identify who is broke this December it is easy if you see someone sending chain message about Christmas is a pagan holiday and it is not the birth of Jesus spoiler alert, that person is broke.
People who are not broke have no time for that. If you see someone posting too many memes that person is broke, I said memes are therapy but too many memes end up being toxic. If someone writes a long article about how to celebrate being broke this December spoiler alert that person is broke.
8.Thou Shall only go to necessary weddings
Since traditionally November it is not recommended to have weddings, December is flooded with so many weddings and lobola ceremonies I do not know why people have the guts of celebrating weddings the same month Jesus was born. I personally think going to weddings is an expense only go to weddings of people you are not close friends within that way you won’t have to hustle and buy gift wear the right suits and use your own fuel money.
9 Thou shall not drive in the CBD
If you don’t have a fuel-saver try avoid the CBD and traffic jam this December rather you walk or Zupco it out, your money will vanish on fuel.
10 Thou shall fadza mutengi [make your spender happy]
This is an obvious law for broke people it is as obvious as thou shall not commit murder. You know the rules if your buyer says an unfunny or dry joke, laugh till you die, don’t you ever cross the line of talking more than your blesser, sorry I meant your buyer, there is a whole song dedicated to it you already know the rules.
So, let’s have fun and let us stay safe and stay protected, I repeat stay protected or else August and September or you will be buying pumpers. Let’s have a blast this December whether you broke or not.
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